1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:02,603
Hey, man.
Huh?

2
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,004
That show
I told you about,

3
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,506
where people rent
a cabin in the mountains,
is on again tonight.

4
00:00:05,539 --> 00:00:09,543
It's pretty much
a different story each week
with brand-new characters,

5
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,312
but there's a few things
you should know.

6
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,147
So, there's this stripper
at a bikini bar

7
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,516
who secretly records
guys doing crazy foot stuff,

8
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,718
and then her and her stepson
blackmail them.

9
00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:20,088
[ Frog ribbits ]
And there's this old couple
who gives out the keys

10
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,422
to people who rent the cabins,

11
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,557
and the old dude started
going to the bikini bar.

12
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:25,459
There's also a guy who lives
next door to the cabin

13
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:27,195
who's going through
a divorce,

14
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,462
but I don't know what the deal
with him is yet.

15
00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:29,663
Anyways,
you should check it out.

16
00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:31,099
Yeah, I don't know.

17
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,500
My mother usually controls
the clicker.

18
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,102
[ Bag thuds ]

19
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,770
**

20
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:40,208
* Wherever we go

21
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:42,643
* That's fine by me

22
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:45,513
* We'll settle our bones

23
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,115
* Eventually

24
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,550
* Yeah, I need a break,
I need a minute *

25
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:53,187
* Just give me one day

26
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:57,691
* Let's get, get, get away

27
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,563
[ Frog croaking ]

28
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:07,135
Phyllis: Dear Jennifer,
something crazy just happened,

29
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,770
so I thought I'd let you know
about it in your guest book.

30
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,772
It all started
when my husband decided

31
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:14,408
we should treat his boss
and his new wife

32
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,177
to a vacation in the mountains.

33
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,646
**

34
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:21,649
[ Cellphone rings ]

35
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,584
**

36
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:27,321
[ Indistinct radio chatter ]

37
00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:28,856
John:
Let me do the talking.

38
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,762
-In a hurry?
-Yeah. Sorry, officer.

39
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,597
Um, normally,
I would be the one driving,

40
00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:39,433
but we stopped for lunch,

41
00:01:39,467 --> 00:01:40,768
and my boss back there

42
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,536
pressured me into having
a couple of beers.

43
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:45,306
So, maybe you could
let us off with a warning

44
00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:47,808
since we were being
so responsible.

45
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,311
I guess that sounds fair.

46
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:53,814
So your boss --
was he drinking, as well?

47
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,316
Which boss?

48
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,720
Sir, will you step out
of the car, please?

49
00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:11,532
[ Door closes ]

50
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,834
Got one. He wouldn't let me
do much to him,

51
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,369
but he's wearing a ring,

52
00:02:15,403 --> 00:02:16,604
so I bet he'll cough up
a couple hundred

53
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,572
once he learns
it's all on tape.

54
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:21,309
Okay. Hey, I, uh, found
this picture

55
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:23,277
of you, me, and my dad.
[ Engine starts in distance ]

56
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:25,813
I was thinking we could
put it up behind the bar.

57
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:28,816
People come in here to get drunk
and stare at bouncing titties,

58
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:30,618
not pictures
of dead black men.

59
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,886
Besides, I was only married
to your father for like a month.

60
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,688
Keep it in your pocket
if you miss him so much.

61
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,827
**

62
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,840
That's twice!

63
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,709
What'd you do, watch a pantyhose
commercial or somethin'?

64
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:58,346
Phyllis: That -- first of all,
that's ridiculous.

65
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:01,749
You told me to speed up,
so how is this my fault?

66
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:03,684
-Can I help you?
-Yes.

67
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,286
We're here to pick up
the key for Froggy Cottage.

68
00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:06,754
Coming right up.

69
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:07,988
David just called.

70
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,623
We can pick him up
at the station.

71
00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,859
I'm gonna run next door
and get him some whiskey.

72
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,761
[ Baby voice ]
He sounded fussy.

73
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,363
[ Chuckles nervously ]

74
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,735
[ Telephone ringing ]

75
00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:24,472
[ Ring ]

76
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:27,575
[ Beep ]
Chubbys -- we won't tell
if you don't.

77
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:30,010
Bullshit. Hey, it's me.

78
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,012
I don't think
I should do this one.

79
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,415
It looks like he was just trying
to get things going

80
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:37,718
so he could bang his old wife,
and that can't be easy.

81
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,521
I don't care. Business around
here isn't exactly thriving.

82
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:44,792
Pick 'em up...slow.

83
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,394
Look, blackmailing
these horny tourists

84
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:47,795
is the only way
to keep this place open.

85
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,430
And I can't go back
to dental hygiening.

86
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:50,998
That's how I got Hep C.
I know, but --

87
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:54,335
Don't come back here without
my money and a Twix!

88
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:55,536
[ Line disconnects ]

89
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:58,606
**

90
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:05,713
Yep, they got my laptop,
and they took her purse.

91
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,282
Well, just make sure to cancel
all her credit cards.

92
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,917
Hey, I'm really sorry
about this.

93
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,485
Shh!
I can't believe --

94
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:14,622
No, not you.
Someone's bothering me.

95
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:19,293
Hey! Psst!

96
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,396
Do you have any Plan B pills
I could borrow?

97
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,665
-Excuse me?
-Don't tell David

98
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,300
because
he's super pro-life,

99
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,901
but mine were in the purse
that got stolen.

100
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:29,303
David hates condoms,

101
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,871
so he told me
to get on the pill.

102
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:33,006
But the pill gives me
whiskers on my chin,

103
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,576
so I've been secretly taking
Plan B instead.

104
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,978
Anyway, do you have
any I could borrow?

105
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,713
No, sorry.

106
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,450
Had a hysterectomy
in my 20s.

107
00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:44,618
Lucky.

108
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,655
I bet you lost, like, 2 pounds
just like that.

109
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,828
Hey, buddy. Come on, man.

110
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,330
Hey!

111
00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,067
What's that about?
[ Mouth full ] I told him
this was all your fault.

112
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,870
[ Lighter clicks ]
The separation?
Why would you do that?

113
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,572
Because it is.
How?

114
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:06,440
Plus, I had a date
the other night,

115
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,075
and he kept judging me with
those little beady eyes of his.

116
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,110
I had to tell him something
to get him off my back.

117
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,880
You're dating now?

118
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:16,350
A guy from the gym took me
to the Red Lobster.

119
00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:17,585
Don't get all weepy.

120
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:18,986
Mm-hmm.

121
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,957
Pussy.

122
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:27,795
**

123
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,062
David: Who's thirsty?

124
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,632
I'll have one.
Uh, but Phyllis doesn't drink.

125
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:35,469
**

126
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:39,006
Last one in the hot tub
has body issues!

127
00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,608
I don't drink?

128
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,376
[ Lowered voice ] This weekend
is already a disaster.

129
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,977
And you get mouthy
when you're drunk.

130
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,747
I don't need another
St. Patrick's Day.

131
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:50,618
Fine. But your niece
started that.

132
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:53,587
-She's 8.
-She's racist.

133
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:56,390
The alcohol kept flowing,
and by the end of the night,

134
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:59,660
everyone except me could barely
make it back to their bedrooms.

135
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,961
[ Laughs ]

136
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,596
And that's when it happened.

137
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,898
[ Telephone ringing ]

138
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,770
[ Snoring ]

139
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,839
[ Ring ]

140
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,743
Hello?

141
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,612
Jennifer, is that you?
It's me, Marcia.

142
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:21,148
I-I have to hurry.
He's in the bathroom.

143
00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,616
I'm sorry.
I think you --

144
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:23,984
Man: Who are you talking to?
[ Beep ]

145
00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:26,654
No one!
It's just the cats.

146
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:29,490
[ Imitates cat meowing ]

147
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,759
[ Bell rings ]

148
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,500
Getting a call like that

149
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,634
in the middle of the night
was pretty jarring,

150
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,135
but since John blames me

151
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:44,972
for anything bad
or strange that ever happens,

152
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:49,076
I tried to go back to bed
and just forget about it.

153
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,879
[ Telephone rings ]
[ Gasps ]

154
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,081
[ Ring ]

155
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:56,850
-Hello?
-Jennifer, I need help.

156
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,552
Okay, look,
I'm not Jennifer.

157
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,488
We're just renting
the place, okay?

158
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,723
Yeah? You -- Maybe you want
the owners?

159
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,459
Yes! Oh, I'm looking
for my sister, Jennifer.

160
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:08,562
Ah, she always said
she was gonna move away
and rent the place out.

161
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,564
Damn, I really needed her
to wire me money

162
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,733
for a bus ticket so that
I can leave my husband.

163
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:13,934
[ Cat meows ]

164
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,069
Are you being abused?
Oh, no, no.

165
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,171
I'm -- I'm in
a plural marriage,

166
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,240
and I'm beginning
to have second thoughts

167
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,710
about being married to one man
and three women.

168
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,077
You know, this latest wife
is 24

169
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,713
and he gave her
bedroom duties

170
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,848
and put me in charge
of laundry and pet care.

171
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:31,218
-Well, that sounds terrible.
-Oh, it is.

172
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,620
You know, I would just --

173
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,054
I would buy
the bus ticket myself,

174
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,023
except the sister wife
who's in charge of finances

175
00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:38,626
never lets the debit card
out of her sight.

176
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,861
Man, if you could pay
for a bus ticket

177
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,630
with dryer sheets
and kitty litter,

178
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,898
I would've been
out of here months ago.

179
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,135
What?

180
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,638
Jesus! Um, hey.

181
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,239
H-H-How much money
do you need?

182
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:55,876
I used my phone to go online
and wire her the money.

183
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,911
You don't
have to pay me back, Jen.

184
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,714
I like to think you'd do
the same for my sister.

185
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:03,751
Take care. Phyllis.

186
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:09,523
So, when you, uh, retired,
what was your speciality?

187
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,759
Shiatsu, reflexology?

188
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:14,595
I would just touch the guys
really soft and slow.

189
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:16,997
If he was a regular,
I'd let the back of my hand

190
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,700
accidentally brush up against
his nut sack a few times.

191
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,602
Is that how you met David?

192
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:24,004
Oh, no. He wasn't a client.

193
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,106
No, we met
at a Mike Huckabee rally.

194
00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,141
David was holding a sign
that said --

195
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,177
What did it say again,
honey?

196
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,646
"If babies had guns,
they wouldn't be aborted."

197
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:35,816
I didn't understand it at first,
so he explained it to me.

198
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,985
And then he complimented me
on my eyes,

199
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,853
which pissed off his wife.

200
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,122
Who turned out to be
a real bitch, by the way.

201
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,291
Total bitch.
Anyway...

202
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,860
Ah. [ Sighs ]

203
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,228
Where did you get that?

204
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,864
I won it in a silent auction
at a charity event

205
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,900
for kids
with jacked-up smiles.
[ Chuckles ]

206
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:56,570
I've been wanting to get out
of the city and give it a go.

207
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,939
[ Sighs ]
Hey, bud.
You want to play some catch?

208
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,341
No.

209
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,644
[ Exhales deeply ] Okay.

210
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,246
Wanna talk about
what your mom said?

211
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,015
No.

212
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,620
Oh, sh--
Oh.

213
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:13,921
**

214
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,256
[ Telephone rings ]

215
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:22,162
Whoa. Cool!

216
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,199
[ Ring ]
Hello?

217
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,802
Phyllis, I did it.
I got out. [ Chuckles ]

218
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:30,604
I didn't even
say goodbye to the cat.

219
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,072
I was hoping
you could pick me up.

220
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,941
I'm across the street
from a bikini bar.

221
00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:36,209
You're here?

222
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,878
Yeah, the bus let me off

223
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,748
right in front of
Wang's Tastey Delightful.

224
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,916
Uh, Marcia?

225
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:45,252
My husband's boss is here,

226
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,955
and even though things
started out real rough at first,

227
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:49,723
they're going well now,
okay?

228
00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:52,793
I-I can't throw
the midnight caller
into the mix.

229
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,862
Well, I-I just need
to walk around the house

230
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:57,097
and look for a clue
how to find my sister.

231
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,732
Please, Phyllis.

232
00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,968
You're the only friend
I have right now.

233
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,704
Please?

234
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,907
[ David speaking indistinctly ]

235
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,977
Be right back.
We're out of milk.

236
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,378
Hey, Bethany should
be able to make milk

237
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,180
with how much I paid
for her titties.

238
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,915
[ Laughter ]

239
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,650
She didn't get it.

240
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,956
Hello, it's Phyllis again.

241
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,992
Last I left you, I was heading
over to pick up Marcia.

242
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,095
**

243
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,296
Marcia.

244
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,865
Oh. How'd you guess?

245
00:10:31,899 --> 00:10:33,801
You're wearing
four wedding bands.

246
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,703
Oh. [ Laughs ]

247
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,805
Yeah, hey,
listen, do me a favor.

248
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:40,741
Go inside, order me
a slippery shrimp, okay?

249
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,810
I'm gonna go park the car.

250
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,244
I don't wanna
take you back to the house
till everyone's tits up.

251
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,213
Okay. Slipper-- okay.

252
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,815
Tits up. Got it.

253
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,083
**

254
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,725
$1 for
the teeth-bleaching strips.

255
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,092
Do I have $1 and 10 cents?

256
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:03,163
Sold.
Yay!

257
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,398
I'm gonna see
if these work on buttholes.

258
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,901
They don't.
It just stings.

259
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,403
Oh, now here's something
you both might be interested in.

260
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:11,872
Plan B.

261
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,206
Let's start the bidding

262
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,809
on this convenient
little abortion at $3.

263
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,077
* Hey, hey, hey

264
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,146
**

265
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,149
Sorry. Are you closed?
[ Door closes ]

266
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,352
-No, we're open.
-Great!

267
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,820
* Come on

268
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,889
Your Shoe's untied, buddy.

269
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,892
Hey, Frank, can I talk to you
outside for a second?

270
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,494
You lied to me.

271
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,229
I should've known
that old man wouldn't have

272
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,931
given you
a laptop and a purse.

273
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,332
Yeah, I stole it.

274
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,401
I couldn't blackmail him.

275
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,303
There are not that many
black people up here,

276
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,773
and it doesn't feel right
to start turning on each other.

277
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:47,474
He's not a tourist?

278
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:50,277
No. He works at
that rental place.

279
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,212
Rents cabins
for the owners.

280
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,114
He gives people the keys.

281
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,116
That old dude has a key

282
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,018
to every rental cabin
on the mountain?

283
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,219
Yeah.

284
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,789
**

285
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,056
Well, let's get him a drink

286
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,925
and make sure he keeps
coming back.

287
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:08,195
That guy's our new
retirement plan.

288
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,931
Phyllis: So, uh,
plural marriage --
not for you, huh?

289
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,000
Uh, I don't know
if I'm against plural marriage,

290
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,936
or if I just haven't found
the right guy and gal

291
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,137
and gal and gal.

292
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,338
Yeah, well, you know,

293
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,340
finding one of those
is hard enough.

294
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,409
John and I get along
pretty well most of the time,

295
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,045
but man, this week
has been so stressful.

296
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,915
Plus, anytime anything
goes wrong, he just blames me.

297
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,183
[ Gasps ] My husband and wives
do that to me, too.

298
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,019
-Get out of here!
-I'm serious.

299
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:35,322
It all started after I had
the worst Thursday ever.

300
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,224
My bedroom in the basement
flooded,

301
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,859
a vending machine fell on me,

302
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,861
and my favorite cat
accidentally hung herself.

303
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,496
Ever since that happened,
anytime anything goes wrong,

304
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:46,433
they say it's my fault
because I'm cursed.

305
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,068
Okay, that is bullshit.

306
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,903
That is total bullshit.

307
00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:52,305
You know, they call me
"Schleprock"...
What?

308
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,874
...which is some sort
of reference

309
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,475
to "The Flintstones"
that I don't even get.

310
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,210
But I told myself,

311
00:12:57,244 --> 00:12:59,579
"If they call me that
one more time, I am leaving."

312
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,015
What do you think
they called me last night?

313
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:03,951
Hmm.

314
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,986
"Schleppy."

315
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,121
But it was short
for "Schleprock."

316
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,489
Wow.

317
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:12,159
John calls me "Drama Magnet."

318
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:13,360
Oh.

319
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,828
It's not from a cartoon,

320
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:17,464
but you know,
if he ever does it again,

321
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,399
I'm gonna
just stand up for myself.

322
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,902
You've inspired me, Marcia.
I'm not gonna take it anymore.

323
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,571
Good for you.
[ Chuckles ]

324
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,439
**

325
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,876
Anyone ever tell you
you smell like snickerdoodles?

326
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:32,012
Yes! I've heard that
quite a few times.

327
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,947
It's good, right?

328
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,215
It's great.

329
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,950
[ Frog croaking ]

330
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,485
Once it was dark,
I figured it was safe

331
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:41,454
to take Marcia
back to the house.

332
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:44,157
[ Grunts ]

333
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:47,294
Probably best if we don't tell
your mom about this.

334
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,396
You can try it next time
you visit, okay?

335
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,597
You want to keep visiting,
right?

336
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,232
Are you kidding?
Of course.

337
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,935
Good.

338
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:58,071
Can I shoot this
with my shirt off?

339
00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:00,173
I don't see why not.

340
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,312
This isn't
my sister's house.

341
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,579
My sister's house is yellow,

342
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:09,349
and the mailbox
is a mini Eiffel Tower.

343
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:12,886
Marcia, this is the house
you called.

344
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:19,592
What -- Does that look
like a 2 or a 3?

345
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:23,897
Uh, I-I don't know because
it's -- it's very smudged.

346
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:26,633
It could be a zero.
Actually, it's all smudged.

347
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:30,337
I know.
I guessed at most of those.

348
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,072
I think -- I think the cats
peed on it.

349
00:14:32,105 --> 00:14:33,473
Oh, seriously?

350
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,609
I think they knew
I was leaving.

351
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:39,246
At this point, we both realized

352
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:40,680
something that you must
have known

353
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,050
when you started reading
this story --

354
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:46,119
You're not Jennifer,
and Marcia is not your sister.

355
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,555
[ Both laughing ]

356
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:54,094
Oh. [ Whispers ] Oh, boy.

357
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,063
Do you care
if I sleep on the porch,

358
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,098
and then tomorrow
I can walk around

359
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,200
and -- and try and find
my sister's house?

360
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,235
No, you can't sleep outside.
You'll freeze.

361
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,338
I have an idea.

362
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:11,211
Since my car is so small,
I let her sleep in David's car.

363
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,080
Worst case --
they'll wonder why

364
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,048
their car smells
like snickerdoodles.

365
00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,417
Anyway, just thought
you'd wanna hear
how things turned out

366
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,286
even if it wasn't your sister.

367
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,059
Oh, by the way, don't wanna
make a big deal out of it --

368
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,228
there was a used syringe
in your driveway.

369
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,997
**

370
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:31,631
I decided to hide
your guest book

371
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,566
in a closet I found
under your stairs

372
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,602
so my husband doesn't read
any of this.

373
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,204
Take care. Phyllis.

374
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:39,239
[ Door creaks ]

375
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,642
[ Telephone rings ]

376
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,181
[ Ring ]

377
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,553
[ Ring ]

378
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,522
Hello?

379
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,624
Is Marcia there?

380
00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,759
Who is this?
It's Marcia's husband.

381
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:03,196
I checked the phone bill online
and saw she called this number.

382
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:06,466
Is she there? I just wanna
tell her I love her.

383
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,335
Please.

384
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,237
[ Cat meows ]

385
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:11,638
Hold on.

386
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,273
[ Meowing continues ]

387
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,342
[ Door creaks ]

388
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:21,181
**

389
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:24,617
Oh, for shit's sake.

390
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,124
Hey, Big Love.

391
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,626
One of your wives
just stole a car.

392
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,128
Hello?

393
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,529
[ Cat meows ]

394
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,566
[ Receiver clatters ]

395
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,277
No sign of forced entry.

396
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,812
Are you sure you didn't leave
the keys in the Escalade?

397
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:56,083
Positive. I left it right there
on that table.

398
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:59,319
Someone must have walked in
and took 'em.

399
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,054
Phyllis,
you were up longer than us.

400
00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:02,522
Did you lock the door?

401
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:05,158
Oh, yeah, sure.
Front door locked real tight.

402
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,794
Back door, always open.
[ Clicks tongue ]

403
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:11,364
Isn't that right, officer?
You know what I'm talking about.

404
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:12,832
Really?
Hmm?

405
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,135
Now? You decide
to start drinking now?

406
00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:17,104
[ Horn honks ]
That's for us.

407
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,306
I ordered a cab to take us
to the rental car place.

408
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:20,540
David,
I don't mind driving you.

409
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,775
No, you -- Oh.
You've done enough.

410
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,178
Thank you, John,
for an amazing weekend.

411
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,680
I'm -- I'm sorry, David.
I mean, trust me.

412
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,717
My wife's the jinx
in this family, not me.

413
00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,619
What did you say?

414
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:35,388
You know it's true.
You're a drama magnet.

415
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,460
Hey, David.

416
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:43,596
You're gonna wanna take
a couple drinks for the road

417
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:45,398
'cause you're gonna wanna be
real nice and lubed up

418
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:47,600
when you find out that that your
monkey-brained child bride

419
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,702
is probably pregnant
'cause her birth control

420
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,472
was in her purse
that got stolen.

421
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,607
Mm. Mm. Oh, wait.

422
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:59,312
And what birth control
would that be? Hmm.

423
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,548
Well let's just go ahead
and say

424
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,316
she wasn't using Plan A.

425
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:06,486
Isn't that right?
That's right, David.

426
00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:08,455
Every time you finish

427
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:11,391
pumping and wheezing on top of
your barely legal spouse,

428
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:14,561
she just pops one of those
handy dandy little

429
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,164
no-muss, no-fuss abortion pills.

430
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:20,300
Hey, what -- what do you think
your little right-wing,

431
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:23,170
bass guitar-playing buddy
would think about that? Huh?

432
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:25,772
What do ya think,
you bald, alcoholic,

433
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:29,609
halitosis-having,
cheap wristwatch-wearing

434
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:31,311
piece of shit?

435
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:34,814
Borderline pedophile --
what -- what do you think?

436
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:38,485
The pill gives me whiskers.
I look like a catfish.

437
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:42,355
Bethany,
we'll talk about it in the car.

438
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:48,695
I probably
shouldn't have drinked.

439
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:52,332
**

440
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:56,303
* First one gets me started

441
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:59,772
* Second one breaks me out

442
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:03,543
* Third one,
I'm eating fat fried chicken *

443
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:07,647
* And cursing strangers out

444
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,751
* Fourth one, I reconsider it

445
00:19:11,784 --> 00:19:15,188
* Fifth one, I'm having doubts

446
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:18,958
* On the sixth one,
I'm in a bathroom stall *

447
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:22,695
* With my tongue
in someone's mouth *

448
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:27,267
* Lord, I need a double of

449
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,270
* One too many's not enough

450
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:31,738
* But ooh

451
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:35,242
* Tip it back,
it ain't no bluff *

452
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,877
* One too many's not enough

453
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:42,849
* No, one too many's
not enough, no, no *

454
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,486
Hi.
[ Door closes ]

455
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,289
I'm here to pick up the keys
to Froggy Cottage.

456
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:50,457
My husband usually
handles that.

457
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:51,758
I don't know where
he done got off to.

458
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,627
But I can help you, though.
Nice place --

459
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,496
some jackass pissed
in the kitchen,

460
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,565
but I mopped it up.

461
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,267
They left an awful lot
of liquor, too.

462
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,369
You can help yourself
if you like.
Oh, no, thanks.

463
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:06,273
I'm up here so my girlfriend
can get to know my daughter.

464
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:09,576
Probably not the best time
to impair our judgement.

465
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,715
[ Telephone rings ]

466
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:18,251
[ Ring,
answering machine beeps ]

467
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:21,554
Phyllis? It's Marcia.
Listen, sorry about the car.

468
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:22,822
I-I got hungry, so I grabbed
the keys from inside

469
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:24,891
and I went looking for food.

470
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,560
But then a bee flew in the car,
and I drove it into the lake.

471
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:28,961
I managed to swim to shore,

472
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:31,364
but the Escalade sunk
to the bottom.

473
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,965
[ Horn blares ]
Man: Get off the highway,
you stupid bitch!

474
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,767
You! You get off the highway,
you stupid bitch!

475
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:37,770
Anyway, I've decided
to hitchhike back home.

476
00:20:37,804 --> 00:20:39,806
I'm just -- I'm no good
on my own.

477
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,808
And if the insurance company
needs to get in touch with me,

478
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:44,811
my number's 7-4...
[ Truck horn blares ]

479
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:47,013
...3-8. Take care!
[ Line disconnects ]